Self assessment

Met up with P after work on friday to go for a movie. None of the movies in town seemed interesting enough so went for dinner instead. Margarita, nachos, pasta and an awesome desert called the Molten Chocolate Cake...it was sinful :). Had a late night *adda* at her place talking about various things ranging from serious topics to the not so serious ones. Slept on the drive back home and the inertia of sleep stayed with me the next day too. It was a sleeeeepy saturday.

Some realizations after the chat.... I am paranoid about the future and my ambitions, restless about achieving my goals, worry about something or the other all the time, don't share my deep down feelings with anyone .... and these things are not evident to anyone with whom I interact on a daily basis other than those who are close to me.

On some contemplation I realized why I am this way ..... one - don't want to drag anyone into my problems, they are mine..yes I can discuss but noone can be in my shoes so its entirely my responsibility to solve them, no point cribbing about them , two - I am heading towards being a perfectionist...this raises the bar of the standards I expect, be it in work or people or anything I am involved with , satisfaction does not come easily, three - ambitions which were ingrained into me in childhood are beginning to take shape and I am restless to get till the end, I need tangible results, four - in the bigger picture I don't see my contribution being significant enough..... what exactly am I on this planet for? writing code? I am on a constant search for inner fulfillment..... I know I will do it but when? five - I always compare myself to everyone around me, good or bad .... that makes me more ambitious.
I have to work on calming down, relaxing and taking life as it comes. Maybe I should dance and paint more often, they are an outlet of my pent up thoughts and unexpressed feelings which I feel noone will understand. Its meditation for me and I should start soon....now.